Bog Standards

Dear all, I was recently invited to write something comical. Comedy has never been my forte, but I thought I’d give it a go; and, at the risk of offending polite society, I dispensed with the following:

When my local council announced their plans to demolish the last public conveniences and rid the area of its grafitti, I felt compelled to take action. Even if they did intend to give them a “facelift”, to me it was an outrage: I’d grown up with those toilets, taken refuge in them on many occasions, and I’d even contributed to the graffiti that adorned the cubicles and given the facility much of its colour.

Admittedly, the porcelain urinals had been patronised to the nth degree, and at times they sure could offend one’s nasal integrity. But to launch a “health scare” was just plain propaganda and a gross exaggeration. And I was damned if I was going to have my artwork reduced to “vandalism”.

So far, nobody had paid much attention to my objections. Day after day I’d stood outside the facilities — megaphone ‘n all — and exercised my right to protest, but most people either ignored me or just laughed. I was quite serious, however, so I decided to make it more official and got on the phone to Mrs. Hassleblassett, a delegate involved in the proceedings.

As per my civil rights, I recorded the conversation. Typically the phone rang for an eternity before I got an answer. Then, finally …

“Good afternoon, how may I help?”

“I’d like to speak to Mrs. Hassleblassett, if you please?”

“I’m Mrs. Hassleblassett. May I ask who you are, and what’s this with regard to?”

“I go by the name of ‘Stig’, as in ‘Stig of the Dump’; you may remember the television series from way back? And it’s with regard to a certain demolition program — namely, the destruction of our last remaining public conveniences — which I find utterly contemptible.”

“ … ‘Contemptible’, eh? Are you aware, Mr. Stig, of the many complaints we’ve received about the foul emissions spilling out of that relic?”

“I’m not a ‘Mr’ of any description, and I’ll thankyou for refraining from addressing me as such. And I’m certainly aware of the contentions held by myself and my fellow artists, people you’ve branded as ‘vandals’. If it wasn’t for us, the only colour you’d see in this dreary city would be on the billboards; and your local spaces would be featureless and sterile.”

“Ha! Is that what you and your delinquent friends think? It’s more like the mindless scribblings of a bunch of degenerate halfwits. Don’t make me laugh.”

“I don’t much like the colour of your gib, either. And perhaps if you employed somebody to clean the facilities more often, instead of funneling public funds into your various bureacracies, the residents would have one less thing to complain about.”

“So now you’re a chancellor as well as a self-proclaimed DaVinci?”

“What I am is a concerned, vocal citizen, and one who is becoming increasingly jaded by your department’s attempts to sanitize our brains and turn everything into a homogeneous, humdrum trash heap.”

“Well, I’m sure my colleagues will be most amused to hear of your contentions at our next board meeting. Now, Stig, unless there’s anything else, I really must attend to matters that actually bear some importance. Good day.”

For what it was worth, I’d said my piece, and all I could hope was that she drowned in a vat of her own secretions :)